wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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