Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
