Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My ass is underappreciated
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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