Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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