either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
