I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
