There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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