Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm really busy with my period
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