i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
