the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I smell stomach acid.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
