I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
