My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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