you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
