New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
