Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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