make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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