her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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