I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
