so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
