i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
