I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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