you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
