Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
