i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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