Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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