She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
