They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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