Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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