Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
