i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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