so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
not ubering you a puppy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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