im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
