Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
