You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
