Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
