the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
