No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
