Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
