I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
