I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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