went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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