is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
