do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
