we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
