i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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