I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
