i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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