Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
