Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
