I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
