hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
