Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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