K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Damn victory sex feels great
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
