im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
